John C. Wright ([info]johncwright) wrote,
@ 2007-05-31 13:22:00
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Picture Day
The last entry in my journal may have given rise to the rumor that we here at guysareshallow.com do not like swordswomen. Untrue! Vile slander! Like all other healthy oversexed Americas, we guys at Pigs-R-Us  just LOVE women with swords, especially if they are absurdly attractive young supermodels and actresses dressed in revealing costumes.

Here are a few of our favorite swordsmistresses:


Smile and say CHEESECAKE!


Zorro's Daughter

Zorro's OTHER daughter



Yet another Daughter of Zorro, more or less





Violet, the Swordfighting vampirechick of the future with her flat-space dimensional blade



Kicks buttock en masse. She can also doge bullets. Whatever. I'm a fanboy, so I will suspend my disbelief for her.



Beware the blonde of 1937! She has better form than I do.



Reincarnated Egyptian Ninja-babe.



If we can suspend disbelief for Milla Jovovich, a
s a futuristic vampirebabe, we can suspend EVEN MORE disbelief for Rachel Weisz. Maybe the ancient Egyptians REALLY HAD ninjababe-princesses in underwear fighting gladiatorial duals.




Vampirebabe huntress
(Swordswoman who hunts vampirebabes)



Vampirebabe Huntress
(Vampirebabe, that is, who hunts others)

(We realize Kate Beckinsale is not actually a swordfighter in this film, but she is dressed in a skintight leather catsuit, so she did right what the Catwoman movie did wrong, ergo we include the picture here. )


And, just so you know that, beneath all this kidding, there are real young ladies in the service, a photo of a real woman (and I mean a REAL woman) in dress uniform with her real saber. Keira Knightly, this is what you should have looked like, if you wanted to convince me you could chop off the head of a pirate:




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[info]mrmandias
2007-05-31 07:35 pm UTC (link)
What a collection. It redeems my faith in the species.

Too my own surprise, I would have to give 1937 Cosmo blonde a slight edge here. Swordmarm!

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[info]johncwright
2007-05-31 08:08 pm UTC (link)
You mean our species has some really, really good looking members of the opposite sex? I concur. I am married to one.

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[info]fpb
2007-05-31 08:48 pm UTC (link)
Listen, mate, either cease bragging about your marriage, or prepare for some serious GBH from people who haven't had the luck. OK?

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Beautiful Wife
[info]arhyalon
2007-06-04 07:51 pm UTC (link)
John is such a sweetie. ;-)

I am, despite John's comments, a perfectly ordinary-looking person...but for some reason both John and my mother insist on maintaining the fiction that I am the most beautiful person in the world...

...to which I can only say that I am touched by their loyalty.

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Re: Beautiful Wife
[info]carbonelle
2007-06-05 06:00 am UTC (link)
Now here is a dilemma: Either she is as honest as she is lovely, or as wise, but, if you take her at her word (above) she cannot (it seems) be both.

I've met the woman: Her husband and mother are right.

Many years ago I drew pictures of the characters in the role-playing games we played (who doesn't?); one of whom was one of my character's concumbines, "Semiramis, third most beautiful woman in the universe."

Imagine my shock when I walked into a room and saw "Semiramis", all round white arms and jetty hair sitting in a room with her future-husband.

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Re: Beautiful Wife
[info]arhyalon
2007-06-05 12:48 pm UTC (link)
Oh, how sweet!

I will grant that when I was young and slender I was quite cute. I have it on enough independant authorities to believe it.

Twenty years and three children later, I look rather rounder and think cheerfulness rather than beauty rules.

Still, I am much complimented by your story.

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[info]fpb
2007-05-31 08:47 pm UTC (link)
Kate Beckinsale... did right what the Catwoman movie did wrong...
And that is the ONLY thing she did right.
The second daughter-of-Zorro is the only one who looks like she could hold a whip, let alone a sword, without breaking her wrist.

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[info]frobojoe
2007-06-01 04:58 pm UTC (link)
Aw c'mon, Underworld was a decent movie. It had Kate Beckinsdale in a catsuit, some pretty excellent violence, and uh... Kate Beckinsdale in a catsuit.

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[info]fpb
2007-06-01 09:59 pm UTC (link)
There you go.

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[info]kalquessa
2007-05-31 10:57 pm UTC (link)
I love your shallow geek guy posts, John. They provide a much-needed laugh.

And hey, I never uncovered that Cosmo cover when I was searching for vintage women's fencing graphics! Thanks for including it!

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[info]dirigibletrance
2007-06-01 07:28 am UTC (link)
Who are they?

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The List
[info]johncwright
2007-06-15 02:29 pm UTC (link)
Sorry I did not answer this before:
1. Unknown cutie pie cartoon girl with bad form. Can't make out the signature. From the style, I would guess Gil Elvgren. Only girls from the 1950's have that particular cutie pie look.
2. Elena de La Vega played by the gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones in MASK OF ZORRO.
3. The Black Whip played by Linda Sterling, Queen of the Serials, in the 15 chapters of ZORRO'S BLACK WHIP.
4. Tessa Alvarado played by the pretty Tessie Santiago in the TV show THE QUEEN OF SWORDS.
5. Tessa again.
6. Violet played by Milla Jovovich in ULTRAVIOLET, the only cartoon movie not make from a cartoon.
7. Violet again.
8. February 1937 Cosmopolitan. Unknown.
9. Rachel Weisz as lovely librarian Carnahan O'Connell in MUMMY RETURNS
10. Rachel Weisz as kick-ass ninja Egyptian Princess Nefertiri in MUMMY RETURNS
11. The jaw-achingly beautiful Kate Beckinsale as Anna in VANHELSING
12. The even more beautiful Kate Beckinsale as Selene in UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION.
13. A picture I found on the internet when I typed the word "swordswoman" into Google search. I don't recognize the uniform or the unit.

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Re: The List
[info]dirigibletrance
2007-06-15 06:38 pm UTC (link)
Heh, thank you. Although I was specifically asking about #13. I was wondering if Britain was secretly training some all-female unit of Paladins or something and not telling anyone else about it. ^_^

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Slight demurral here
[info]deiseach
2007-06-01 10:38 am UTC (link)
The third daughter of Zorro has got some work to do on the whole 'protecting my secret identity' thing.

That has got to be the most pathetic excuse for a mask ever - "Oh, I'll just drape this wisp of black lace torn from my mantilla* over my eyes, and absolutely no-one will recognise me!"

Suuure...

(*I use "mantilla" because I'm trying to respect the genteel sensibilities of the refined folk who post here; if you want to replace it with some other outer- or under-garment, feel free to indulge your fantasies of whip-wielding brunette beauties clad in leather and black lace, gentlemen).

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[info]vitruvian23
2007-06-01 02:24 pm UTC (link)
Actually, Beckinsale may not *consistently* be a swordswoman in Underworld, but she does use a sword quite effectively at the climax of the first one, doesn't she?

Hey, since you made a fair point earlier about guns being the great equalizer, how about another series of pictures of female gunslingers?

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(Anonymous)
2007-06-01 09:32 pm UTC (link)
the word gunslinger, in mind intsantly brings to mind, not wyatt or wild bill but Roland Deschain and co. (would susannah and detta count as two female gunslingers?)

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a quick question
(Anonymous)
2007-06-02 12:20 am UTC (link)
What is the young ladies unit and which country is it from?
Dean

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Re: a quick question
[info]howling_wolf
2007-06-03 04:44 am UTC (link)
Seems British. Her colors are Scottish...some dragoon unit perhaps.

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sword mistresses
[info]dr_dgo
2007-06-02 08:58 am UTC (link)
You seem to not have anyone from the Highlander (TV) series. They at least had a viable reason to be competent with a sword. There were quite a few good looking ones if I recall, one even a ms US and/or world or something. Even managed to get her own series (for a year, I think). I should go looking for pictures . . .

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Let us not forget our futuristic woman sword wielders.
[info]thegreatperry
2007-06-03 08:20 am UTC (link)
Aayla Secura is the swordswoman of the future.

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Re: Let us not forget our futuristic woman sword wielders.
(Anonymous)
2007-06-04 11:24 pm UTC (link)
But wasn't the galaxy far, far away long long ago?

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Re: Let us not forget our futuristic woman sword wielders.
[info]thegreatperry
2007-06-05 01:18 am UTC (link)
Time is relative.

But seriously.... I always forget that Star Wars is past not future.

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